I met Farrah over a year ago when my co-worker invited me over one Saturday night. She had pale skin, wore all black, winged eyeliner, and a unique sex appeal. She plopped down on the couch and said, “Alex, why are you hiding your beautiful lesbian friends from me?” We went out dancing and made out a few times on the dance floor. Something about her energy was infectious. She was the kind of dancer that wasn’t especially good but she felt the music in her bones and it showed.
We went out on exactly one date to the movies, I have no idea what we saw. She snuck gummy bears and mini alcohol bottles in her oversized denim jacket into the movies. Farrah was relentlessly committed to having fun no matter where she was. An older woman next was trying to let us know that she was getting annoyed by our constant talking during the previews but Farrah being the I-don’t-give-a-fuck girl that she was, rolled her eyes and simply asked if I was okay and if the woman was bothering me. Farrah knew who she was in this world and didn’t question it.
We made out in her car. She grabbed my hair a little too hard, bit my lip a little too hard. I left not knowing what to think. We never made any effort to go out again. There was some kind of unspoken understanding, like we both didn’t enjoy ourselves fully.
We were to become good friends and nothing more. She was the kind of friend every dyke in this city wanted, she was friends with the most beautiful lesbians, had slept with half of them, and never got too attached. I admired her free spirit and ability to detach. She went on to sleep with my good friend Ray.
here’s a recent picture of me in a thrifted shirt that says “where’s the beef?” I’m a little TOO obsessed with this tee.
For the sake of writing shit that no one gives a damn about…I think a lot about dating in your late 20’s and what that looks like especially since that occupies so much of my free time. I was thinking about how different it is now than when I was in my early 20’s. And then I remembered that actually we all were.
We were a lot more open with our emotions, more giving and willing to love. I can’t speak for anyone else but for me it was one person that changed all that. Is that how it is for everyone? You truck along in your relationships being this loving, giving, girlfriend until one day someone hurts you like you’ve never been hurt before and its like FUCK I’m changed forever. That’s how it was for me. I saw this girl and thought I had never seen a more beautiful girl in my life. She had brown wavy hair, a bright smile, and a i-dont-give-a-fuck slouch. She had small tattoos all over her body that forced you to look closer and when she looked at you she LOOKED at you and focused all her attention like there was no where else she would rather be. She listened and had a way of making you sound like you were the most important person in the world. I didn’t even mind that on our first date our waitress was blatantly hitting on her, we both laughed it off because L was the type of girl that made sure to show me she was there to see me, not to fuck the waitress. We walked to our cars in the freezing Baltimore air after that first date awkwardly wanting to touch hands. I had never clicked with someone so quickly.
But I fucked it up. I always saw L as a girl that could have any girl she wanted and I never understood why she was with me. My insecurities ate away at me every passing day. Around month three I realized I loved her and knew she was too guarded with her emotions to ever say anything of the sort. The resentment started to build. Why didn’t she feel for me as much as I felt for her? Little things led to arguments and she would say things that stung then and still sting today thinking back. “I like you more than I ever planned on” she would say. “This is moving so quickly, we both got carried away and I don’t know if I’m ready” she would say. Why aren’t you ready? I would think and cry in the privacy of my own bed because I always knew that even though she scared the shit out of me, I was always ready for her. When it became clearer to the both of us that I was way more attached and the pain was too much to take, I tried to break it off with her but she found a way to tell me exactly the right thing to keep me around. I would tell her I can’t talk to her anymore and she would listen for about two weeks and then somehow convince me to get back together. When we finally did break up I cried every day in my car before class before finally dropping the course. I had to repeat that class during the summer.
It was that relationship that made me go from a hopeful romantic and bright eyed about love to kind of a sarcastic asshole that’s not that trusting anymore. I’m not sure when it happens to people but i know somewhere along the line it changes for most just like it did for me and you’re never quite the same after.
I think back on that time and i think about how immature I was and I beat myself up and start thinking about how I could have handled things differently. But the truth of the matter is we never would have worked out and I’m not sure I’ve ever fully accepted that and now that’s my baggage to bear. And that baggage is also part of the difference in dating when you’re 21 and when you’re 29.
This month is ending and it’s making me think back to when I came here 11 months ago. On the one hand the whole thing plays out like a bad dream but on the other I’m so proud of myself. In one fell swoop, in one moment of hysteria my brain went, “I can’t do this anymore and I’ll literally do anything to make it work in Los Angeles.” I left my cheating ex-girlfriend, packed a bag and just left. In my mind it was for a week, that’s how long I packed for anyway, but I think now deep down inside a part of me knew I wasn’t coming back.
My parents were so upset that I left without saying anything they stopped talking to me. Three weeks later when I wanted to make arrangements to have my car shipped they said no. I didn’t end up having my car for the next 7 MONTHS. No car, no job, no place to live, no friends, and not a whole lot of money. Since my parents weren’t speaking to me they refused to send me the rest of my clothes which I had dropped off at their house before leaving, leaving me with one weeks worth of clothing. I was staying with three girls who all had busy schedules and lives and my welcome was over by week 2 but the girls let me know they weren’t rushing me. The stress eventually made me sick and landed me in urgent care. Twice. I did this all to myself though, I cried to my sister and my friends but really I only had myself to blame. I wanted a different life but I put zero effort into planning it and this was the result.
My days looked the same for a long time. Everyday I would look for work, look for an apartment (which I couldn’t get because I didn’t have a job), get depressed, and watch Gilmore Girls so that I could escape. ALL SEVEN SEASONS. Once in a while I went to a bookstore nearby and buy used books. Hanging out around the house made me even more insecure about bothering my roommates so I signed up for online dating as a way to get to know people and get to know L.A. and actually it was pretty fun. I went on a TON of dates. They led nowhere in a romantic sense but it got me out of the house and I met a lot of great girls who told me about L.A. and took me to interesting places. And this went on for two months until one day I interviewed for a job that was only scheduled to last for 2 months. I didn’t care, it still meant 2 months of work that I didn’t currently have. I got the job and it ended up lasted for almost a year and introduced me to some of my best friends and most talented people in the animation industry. One of the girls in my apartment had a personal issue come up and moved out leading me to take over her room, which I was finally able to do since I was employed. My parents finally came around and started talking to me and sent me my stuff (and my car!). It’s 11 months later and I’m both shocked and proud that I was able to pull it off.
I look back and it was so scary. It was scary because I made it scary. I didn’t have to put myself in an impossible situation and I know that, but knowing myself I don’t know that I could have done it any other way.
Welcome to my blog!
I created this space out of necessity. Nine months ago I was working on a set in Pittsburgh and I was so miserable I looked around one day, walked off into an empty field when no one was looking and decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I had just found out the girl I was seeing was cheating on me and so being the super professional human that I am, I went online and booked a one way ticket to Los Angeles. No plan, no friends, no job. Just a bunch of period hormones telling me to get the hell out of there.
If you’re ever wondering what you’re truly made of as a human, try moving to L.A. with no plan. I’ve learned I’m a mess of a human who has very little figured out.
L.A. has shown me that much.
And so I needed an outlet. I needed a place to unleash all this anxiety about being in a new place and trying to figure it out.